I'm at home with a sick family and so I'm reflecting on all the crappy stuff that has happened to me this year. Here's a small list for your viewing enjoyment:
Wrath of the Pink Eye:
Associated with this 3-week bummer I catalog the following humiliating events:
1. I wore an eyepatch.
2. After 3 hours of waiting in lines (with the pink eye) I was asked to disassemble the frame on my motorcycle so they could read a serial number. It was 110 degrees outside and I had to do it with tools that someone from the DMV gave me. I cut my hand. Then they told me to go to a different DMV. And then, I was kicked out of that DMV because of my pink eye. And the DMV still wouldn't register my vehicle.
3. My wife wouldn't look at me.
4. My father-in-law saw me, stepped away in horror, and said something that I can only translate as "uungh."
5. I wore an eyepatch.
6. I interviewed for several positions while with pink eye (I am proud to report that I was hired twice even looking as I did)
7. My insurance, for some crazy reason, wouldn't cover pink eye. A doctor's office demanded 175 dollars and, when I refused, they said they'd do it for 80. I left untreated.
The Rear-ender
While driving to a doctor's office (to sell a copier) a series of misfortunes befell upon me. Forsooth!
1. I had a stomach virus I was recovering from.
2. I was rear ended on Interstate 17.
3. The lady who rear ended me had no license.
4. The lady had no documentation.
5. The lady had no English.
6. But the lady DID have an insurance card--from a company I had never heard from before.
7. I translated her end of the story for the policeman. He cited her for, well, dumb driving, and then wrote out a police report. I was now late for my meeting to sign papers with the doctor, and the squirts had remanifested itself. Not proud of it.
8. And the silver lining: I got the sale. As a result, back at work I became the stuff of legends. "That Shane crapped his pants and STILL made a sale."
Wrath of the Pink Eye:
Associated with this 3-week bummer I catalog the following humiliating events:
1. I wore an eyepatch.
2. After 3 hours of waiting in lines (with the pink eye) I was asked to disassemble the frame on my motorcycle so they could read a serial number. It was 110 degrees outside and I had to do it with tools that someone from the DMV gave me. I cut my hand. Then they told me to go to a different DMV. And then, I was kicked out of that DMV because of my pink eye. And the DMV still wouldn't register my vehicle.
3. My wife wouldn't look at me.
4. My father-in-law saw me, stepped away in horror, and said something that I can only translate as "uungh."
5. I wore an eyepatch.
6. I interviewed for several positions while with pink eye (I am proud to report that I was hired twice even looking as I did)
7. My insurance, for some crazy reason, wouldn't cover pink eye. A doctor's office demanded 175 dollars and, when I refused, they said they'd do it for 80. I left untreated.
The Rear-ender
While driving to a doctor's office (to sell a copier) a series of misfortunes befell upon me. Forsooth!
1. I had a stomach virus I was recovering from.
2. I was rear ended on Interstate 17.
3. The lady who rear ended me had no license.
4. The lady had no documentation.
5. The lady had no English.
6. But the lady DID have an insurance card--from a company I had never heard from before.
7. I translated her end of the story for the policeman. He cited her for, well, dumb driving, and then wrote out a police report. I was now late for my meeting to sign papers with the doctor, and the squirts had remanifested itself. Not proud of it.
8. And the silver lining: I got the sale. As a result, back at work I became the stuff of legends. "That Shane crapped his pants and STILL made a sale."
Take that, world. Take that, indeed.
It's true. I couldn't look at you. Sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteThat was funnier to read about than to live, I'm sure. :) Well written though--you know, for posterity. Hehehe.
ReplyDeleteShane
ReplyDeleteSo nice to read your blog. You are such a great writer. I can actually see what you are saying its great I love your style of writing. Man your life has definitely changed in numerous ways but I love that you have adapted and are running with it in such a great way. I miss you, my game has gone downhill. All the best do you and your family.
Well Shane, I feel I need to offer the most sincere apology a brother can give. First, I'd like to hope that this was some bizzaro-world perfect storm of bad fortune except for the fact that you've always had such miserable luck. So I apologize because you've be the whipping boy for some karmic scourges that were surely headed for me but drawn in to your calamity-inducing gravitational pull. And I'm sorry because, well, I love you and that sucks so I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteJust don't blog about the infamous Poison Oak incident of 1989! The devastation and the horror! Now THAT was a bummer!
You seriously crapped your pants...and then made a sale?? What the heck?? That's classic. Good for you. You're one of those that could LITERALLY talk the devil into coming to church, or convince someone to eat a ketchup popsicle, right? What a year, huh? You didn't know marriage would be SO GOOD for you!! :)
ReplyDelete